There, I said it.
Let me begin with the story of why I was on the CList anyway (yeah CList - ballin nickname)...
So as the blog-world knows, I am moving to California in a week (gasp). In the spirit of this, me and my co-pilot Timmy have been trolling through the depths looking for places to live, people with similar travel plans, places to stay along the way... you get the picture. Well, the joy of the CList is that you can look for and find all of these things, so long as you don't get distracted by the 87 bazillion other things to search for, including but not limited to: foot fetish folks, BBW, discreet casual encounters, men seeking men, women seeking women, men seeking men AND women, women seeking trannies, trannies seeking household cleaning (no, seriously), and.... phew... so many, many more.
What began as a casual foray into a entertaining, exciting, eclectic new electronic world has quickly evolved into an obession, a desire for CList acceptance, a need to feel like I'm worthy of a casual encounter in the back of a Caravan with a (sort-of) married (unhappily) housewife. Okay, so I'm not that big of a scum-bag, but seeing so many off-the-wall posts makes me wonder: Are these people serious??
Do you really want to lease out your apartment with the sole condition that the roomie is a disease-, drug-, and drama-free young woman willing to trade household cleaning and occasional sexual favors for rent?? Party on, brother. Do you really want to surf the net looking for a well-hung black dude to stuff your wife?? Hey man, to each his own. And do you really think you're gonna find a legitimate contractor while offering only 25 bucks to re-pour your driveway?? Get serious buddy.
Suffice it to say that reading post after post has taken all of my efforts to maintain my personal pact committing to myself that I would give a concerted effort to NOT judge people. A pact of active non-judgment if you will. Trust me, it's harder than you think, especially when "Honey Colored Voluptuous Woman" is on the scene. I mean it's just plain hilarious.
To be clear, I must say that I do not want to make light of the romantics of the CList world, I just find it comical how people choose to describe themselves in these ever-so-personal personal ads. Let's take a look at this real CList example from 'Let's horse around together,' a woman in Colorado:
"I am semi-retired and spend most of my time at home. Not the best way to meet someone so I thought to give this a try. I like to spend time with my dog and my horse. I am a little shy and not the best for conversation but not mute either. I guess I would like the company of a man once in a while. Write if you think you might be interested."
Aaaand to make it all come together, she, oooof course, has a picture with her hangin on her ranch with... yup u guessed it, a horse. Get it? Like let's, you know, us, HORSE around together! It's a wonder she doesn't get out much.
But enough of being a dick and ripping people for pouring their hearts out for the world. All I want is for Let's Horse Around Together and everyone else on the CList to take this one piece of advice - LIE! Okay, don't lie, but understand that in this forum, the user-created content means that individuals have the freedom to leave out any shortcomings one may have. You know, leave out the part about how you've been living on Kraft Mac 'n' Cheeze for 3 weeks. Forget the part about how you've been lied to and cheating on by every guy you've ever known. Nobody cares if you "love bubbles, coloring books, kites, and sidewalk chalk." (No, seriously, an adult person said that) And definitely save the naughty pics of your 300 pound ass for the people who actually respond to your post *shudder*...
So, in order to cure these sickening ills across the CList, I propose 3 simple rules, Commandments of Craig's List, if you will:
1. Be yourself. Not all of yourself, not right away, but be yourself! Highlight your positives, downplay the rest.
2. Be clear about what you are looking for. Confusion and a lack of communication yield a lack of action. Trust me.
3. Don't take it too seriously - and don't take "real life" dating too seriously either, while you're at it. But still use spellcheck.
Having said allll that, what did I do??? Made a post of course. And by "a post" of course I mean "several posts in several different locales." Why wouldn't I? I followed my own rules of course, choosing a picture that I consider to be flattering. I did, moreover, check my post for blatant spelling errors (seriously, spellcheck?) And, I chose to keep it short and sweet and to-the-point.
So, here is, verbatim, the post that I made on Craig's List. This is why I'm a CList Freak:
"I am an attractive, young bi-racial male looking for a "casual encounter" in the next day or so. I'm 6'4", 190 pounds, with curly hair and a big cheezy smile. I have been into older women recently, but as long as you're a good-looking woman who's open to experiment, I'm down like four flat tires. (Or up, as it were...) Let me be clear - this is strictly for sexual encounters. I don't want to go out on a date, I really don't want to get to know anyone in particular, I'm just looking for a hot Georgia Peach before I move to California next week. This is the epitome of NSA, trust me. That said, I'm not a jerk, and, if you're cool, I'm sure we will get to know each other well enough along the way. Hit me up if you're interested."
*****DISCLAIMER*****
This disclaimer was NOT posted on the CList, but is, rather, for the blog audience (which, apparently, includes my mother and a former elementary school teacher, ewwww). This ad was placed merely as a social experiment, a tiny worm on a tiny hook in a gigantic ocean that will in no way, shape, or form actually work. And even if it did, and even if the respondants are awesome and super-hot, I have not, and will not ever, condone or appreciate gratuitous, emotionless sexual interactions. Ask any of my college buddies, they'll tell ya. Sex is for married people. And not even all married people, only the ones in love. That is all.
*****END OF DISCLAIMER*****
So, have I learned any lessons in my CListing tonight? Well, first off, be wary of the ones with pictures... even though it seems like you might want to see what you're getting into before you actually take time to read these crazy little posts. My wariness stems from my first glimpse at a "woman" playing with herself with some foreign object. No further comment. Secondly, don't be too quick to judge. It is easy, with all these willing targets exposing themselves to the world, but take a second to think - if you think they're weirdos for posting this stuff, how weird are YOU for looking at it??
Lastly, assume the worst. I personally think this glass-half-empty approach is useful for any initial dating contact, from dropping a random line to a cutie at the bar to gettin freaky on the CList. My reasoning comes from the fact that, in dating, if you have low standards, then even a moderately interesting person will at least be fun for a night. Nothing sucks worse than an uppity bitch who needs a $100 dinner at Ruth's Chris and a Tom Brady lookalike with Katt Williams humor.
And if that's the kind of thing you're looking for, don't bother hitting up the CList. Don't bother going to a bar, don't speed date, don't E-Harmonize cuz NONE OF THEM WILL WORK TO FIND THAT IMAGINARY PERSON! Just lower your standards, juuuust a hair, and only for first dates. I'm not saying lower your overall standards for what you seek in a life-long mate, but for a night-long date, just aim for fun and the rest will take care of itself. Dating is supposed to be a fun way to get to know someone new, and, hey, maybe u get lucky at the end of the night. But as for me and my pimpin little post, don't worry - I'll be gettin some action. Cuz on the CList, everybody's a freak.
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