Going, Going, Back, Back

I'm going, going, back, back.

I'm hittin the road, gettin outta dodge, going wherever the wind takes me. (Okay enough cliches... more on that later)

Now where to, what for?? These are the next thoughts that emanate from this confused, excited, conflicted, anxious mind of mine. Does it even matter? Am I going just for the sake of going? Well, yes and no. See, no decision in life is just one thing. It's a collective, a set of ideas that trigger the takeoff that inevitably sends you on a course of twists and turns, ups and downs one can only imagine at the time the decision's been made.

First things first - where to?

Well, the immediate answer is that I'm going, going, back, back to Cali, Cali. The land of dreams, the destination of lost souls, the end of the Western world, the land where the sun sets. The plight of every almost-was actor and could-have-been model comes with me. The angst of the poor younger son, driven west by a lack of opportunity this side of the Mississip, that is my angst. The fear of the railman, the miner forty-niner, this is my fear. The ardor of the journeyman, the excitement of the wayward wanderer, this is my ardor, my excitement.

I GOT 4 FINGAZ UP...

...2 CROSSED IN THE MIDDLE

But what will come of it all?

Well, it's impossible to say, but I hope what will come is some sense of self-peace that has been, as yet, impossible to find in Corporate America. I seek only a moment of "no you can't" turning into "yes I did." Pardon the cliche, but the journey itself is the destination. (sidebar - "cliche" is officially cliche in '09, so let's diversify our linguistic approach... yup, that was the 'more later'). Living life on my own schedule (time-clocks be damned!), floating by on my own whimsy, drifting around the country, then the world on a singular quest, a quest of self-improvement and, thereby, improvement on the world I know.

Will I fall flat on my face and run crying home to Mommy?

Maybe, perhaps inevitably. But more important than what I don't know is what I do know. I know I am a people person, able to create and maintain positive relationships with folks from all walks of life. I know that regardless of where I am, or who I'm with, I can and will find the best in a given situation. I know that I can rely on my wits, and I have my forty-thousand dollar piece of paper that says so.

But this trip isn't about any winning any awards or getting any certificates. It's all about proving to myself and to my family and to any doubters I may encounter along the way that life is worth living. It's worth the risk to move out of a known safe zone to make the leap from the easy comfort of home to the great unknown of a new place. The journey is about new places, new faces, and new challenges to tackle. It's about stepping out on that limb without losing sight of the trunk. It's about new relations and long vacations. It's about live music and freestyles. It's about bein a drunken fool and a dancin king (mad props to ABBA). It's about encountering the world and saying, "Here I am; hit me with all you got!"

But, no matter how things end up, I know that I will document every peak and valley, describe every ebb and flow of life that I find along the way. I am making a pact to myself that, regardless of what occurs on this life-trip, I will be open and honest. Open for myself, honest to the world. I write for me, I write for free, but mostly, I write just to be. To be a part of the world and to know that my history will not be written by any scholar, or any boss, or anybody but yours truly. In the living words of Incubus front man Brandon Boyd, "If I fuck me, I'll fuck me in my own way." I won't let fear get in the way. I won't let money get in the way. I won't let overconfidence eat me up from the inside. I will stay humble, stay poised, and always remember to let my heart guide me when my eyes don't understand what they see. I will be a spark in the dark, a light in the night, another Bic in the air waving to the music of the concert of Life.

And ultimately, I imagine this journey will end exactly where it begins - Home. Home may be in a different city then, or a different region or country, but wherever Home is, that's where I'll be - going, going, back, back.

-Love, Peace, and Harmony to All and for All-