People Who Take Pictures with Santa Claus

...Are usually under 5 years old, and typically, they are very much unwilling to do so with a smile on their face. And who should blame them?? Parents teach kids not to talk to strangers, then they bring their little ones to the mall to sit on the lap of some dressed-down, washed-up white-beard? A real holiday hypocrisy in my opinion. What healthy parenting. As a rule, I stay away from St. Nick, and here are a few reasons why:

1) I'm not a fan of crying kids, and there are always, always crying children around the sketch ball in the red suit. Right now, some poor tyke is screaming her lungs out, begging for Mommy while some small person in jingle-bell shoes pretends to be friendly just long enough for a decent snapshot. "Here little girl, take this candycane, and give us a big smile for Santa! Now say 'Rudolph!'" Meanwhile, the parentals are wearing some cheesy holiday outfits that make 'em look like they're on their way to a tacky sweater party. This is what you do to people, Santa. I hope you're happy.

2) Even if he wasn't shady (which he is), what does Santa have to do with the birth of Jesus Christ? Oh yeah, absolutely nothing.

3) He puts coal in the stockings of those of us who are "bad" for the year. I have two issues with this one. First, suck one you fat, judgmental fuck! How arrogant and holier-than-tho is this guy? Where does he get off making this list and checking it twice? Who are you to say whether I've been naughty or nice? And all this "see me when I'm sleeping" business?? Downright creepy, and likely unlawful. Secondly - doesn't this idiot know that we're facing a global energy crisis? Oil is a hundred bucks a barrel and he's dishing out chunks of Kingsford to get his jollies - real classy, big guy. You mean to tell me he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't understand that coal is a non-renewable fossil fuel in such high demand that it's worth far more than some crappy candy or sweat-shop-made toy that he'd put in there otherwise?? This guy needs a clue like All of the Other Reindeer need equal-opportunity sensitivity training. I guess Mrs. Claus pays the $1000-a-month heating bill up at the North Pole cuz this dude is out cold. Hell, I guess I should be extra evil this year, then maybe he'll throw an offshore oil rig down my chimney. Hmm, come to think of it, maybe that's what the Bushes have been doing all these years...

4). He totally promotes slave labor. Those poor little elves are so brainwashed, they actually think unpaid labor in some Arctic sweatshop is fun. Sounds more like the workforce for some Russian czar than something a jolly old soul would try.

5) What's with the beard?? To his credit, he's taken the whole "No-Shave November" deal to new heights, but he's forgotten to shave it off at the start of the following month. For about a hundred years now. Between the overgrown facial hair and the knapsack of random goodies, he looks downright homeless. And I'm pretty sure he fits the description of the perpetrator of a string of home invasions in my 'hood. Just know, if anybody, anybody comes landing on my roof lookin for free cookies, he's gettin capped in his holly, jolly ass. Fair warning, Santa Claus. If you come to my town, you'd best be prepared to get a size 12 sent up your chimney the wrong way.

Feliz Navidad, bitches. The most wonderful time of the year, indeed.